lYlM

things are awful.. i dont know what the hell am i suppose to do. i'm so exhausted. 


i wish i could just flee. and go to every quiet places in the world. gladly though i'm studying. i hardly do last time. now i study like there;s no tomorrrow. i found out the chords for yuna'a song- penakut. which i'm happy abt. but there are alot of things i'm not happy with...


  istillhope 

headache!

days are sucking more and more by the hour!!!

hmmm. my head is gonna explode. 

SPM is arriving 

I:M panic-ing

seeing things around me that make me go WTF!!!!!!

i'm in need to find PEACE. which i sometimes feel its impossible.

blogging sometimes makes me feel better but not long. =(

i still HOPE. i dont know why. but i'm loosing faith at the same time too. 

is it right? 

i hope it is. 

gonna get my braces done soon, i hope.

got a new bestie. ALICIA!

i love that nut! hehe, dont kill me Muhd. Ali. 

i love my two besties! they helped me alot. 

thanks ALICIA and MARSHA!!

i hope things start to turn around soon, idk what i;m crapping, lol

lets just save the craziness and stop here. night night. 

hope

i still wonder if there is a possibility if things could turn around. and make me smile again. i hope i can.
i still pray hard for it.

lalalaalaaaaa

blogginggggg..
something i havent done in a long time.. 


things are bad again
results arent looking so good
things i thought would work out. didnt yet AGAIN
just when i thought i could breathe and feel good about it again. life pulls me down
i'm tired honestly. i want to run away to places where i dont know a single soul ans they dont know me.
but it can only havent in my wildest dreams.


I CAN COPE i say as i lie to myself .
it's normal in my not-so-happy life
i used to have a happy place. where i could just run to whenever dreams fail, or my heart is broken, people are just plain rude, ignorant or just mean..
but that place is gone. this time  thought hope for it to not be gone, 
this time.. i dont have much faith or hope it;ll come back.


i find myself back to where i was half a year ago.
crying myself to sleep. 
not eating.
listen to music though it calms my soul it saddens it as well.
looking through pictures i used to hide.


i cant wait for my new room where i can run from the broken memories of my current one. 


A NEW START? i wish..
though i still long for the 22nd's/ 19th's, or even 16th's everyday.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LubQp3fpgo
currently listening to trading yesterday: come back to me

never say never

life has brought me joy again! i'm so happy things are ok again i can cope with it.. i hope it last long.. i miss the peaceful times.. 

when life gives you lemons..

i never thought that he would be thinking about me but he did!! it was shocking!! i was hoping he would say lets try again the whole time we were talking sadly he didnt.. hmm i was in the exact seat and theater and i drowned in memories.. hmmm.. sometimes i think life just absolutely loves hitting you and catching you off guard.. well.. all we can do is move on.. nothing we can do.. and work hard for what we want.. 


someone asked me recently whats true love i said its when you cant live without that person its when you feel empty when they are not around.. its when you wanna shout at the top of your lungs that you love them.. its when you're no afraid of the world when you're in their arms.. but.. thats just a slight glimpse of it.. not even close.. its way so much more.. =) 


funny how things reminds of you of things.. i love them.. but sometimes it hurts.. but i cant run.. i know that.. so i sing it out..  music calm me.. whether is pressing the rhythmic keys on the piano or strumming the strings on the guitar.. the soft melody warms my heart.. i learnt to cope..

a thing or two

its been a month since i've blogged.. i finally have inspiration.. alot has happened in a months.. its been more than 3 months since i spoke to *.. just started talking.. but everyone thinks i'm ok.. but i'm not.. coz the things * tells me hurts and i'm still trying to learn to cope with it.. i can only pray for a sign.. and how that i can see it.. i'm trying to be as positive as possible.. though in this month it has been hard i thank God for exams a chance to stop me from thinking about the hurt. 


first off.. i out my song writing on hold for a little while..that was the beginning of the month.. just caught up with it.. wrote 2 in 2 days.. 
second.. just finish three weeks of stressful exams... that was a load off
third.. keeping my mind off things by drowning myself with work.. studying.. helping around here and there.. like making 100 name tags hand written.. yeah not that wise but it helps.. 
fourth.. camp was great! its our last so i'll be missing everyone.. but i believe as we part there will always be a time where we will meet again..


lately alot of people are hurting me and pissing me off.. i try to ignore them.. with God's help i hope i can.. 


question.. when you see me do i look sad? though i'm smiling?
people keep telling me that i look sad.. burdened.. maybe i am.. 
i dont know.. my good friend keeps telling me to live life for myself..
and so i'll try.. i'll try to be the main character of my life  now.. 
and lastly i thank God for the people he has brought in my life to allow laughter in my life after one is gone. 

wonders

i just dont understand why people these days are so freaking shallow.. mean.. and a whole load of other things!! i wish there was a back door to escape the reality... is it true that people can change so drastically in hours? without cause or reason?? even if the reason is so small?? i refused to believe coz deep down i know that people dont change they discover and adapt.. right or wrong.. depends on the matter.. talking behind;s people;s back is just plain rude coz you wouldnt want the same thing happening to you.. if its a good thing that you;re saying then say it out loud.. i just wish i could find my happy place again... coz right now i only feel loneliness... though my friends are around me.. i still want that special someone.. someone that makes you feel that you can be free.. and you dont have to worry.. in his arms all troubles fade away... is it really impossible?? too much to ask?? all i have right this moment are confusion.. and unanswered prayers and questions.. 

back!!!!!

well i noticed i've abandoned this blog for awhile.. hehe.. but i'm back... well..music is doing really well.. i've nothing much to say actually=))) lol,, but here's a video i promised =)))
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000029860641&ref=profile#!/video/video.php?v=116377975039864

what has been going on

lately there has been quite alot going on
first english oral =)))
i love my english oral this time and for the first time i'm excited!!!
it's just freakin funny!! i will find the time to post the script one day...

Heaven's Flame is my current band;s name..
we just started jammin with a sing written by and and with the drums and bass and everything in it i;m so happy it sounds really good.. have written more will post it once we start leading.. for now patiently wait =)
on vocals is me and jason
on drums jason and daniel
on bass nencent
on ryhthm yoeshua nathan
on lead me soon =) once i get my electrical guitar
and our floor manager/ background singer debra
i am really proud of us=)

camp
damn this time camp was really boring most of the time
but it got me and band members/extended family closer once again
they help me alot too with the problems i was going through and i am glad i have them as friends

overrall since the last time i wrote it things were bad then good =)))

bye for now

snuff

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence
And leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage
For what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I cant destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
When you refused to fight

So save your breath I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a Saint
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I wont listen to your shame
You ran away you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know

If you still care, don't ever let me know..

results of boredom in class =)

after a long time off haha.. not too long.. i decided to post this really funny lyrics that me and my friends wrote abt school.. ^.^v.. its abt our life in school.. with floating class and additional mathematic hehe.. its in the tune of kris allen's no boundaries we changed the words only.. =)

WE HAVE NO CLASS.
seconds, hours, so many days
we're walking around our sweat goes to waste
dunno if it'll last forever
my legs are so freaking pain
to kiri, to kanan, still salah jalan
enter the wrong class kena tahan
kena halau ke kelas yang lain
it only fives me more headache

bridge
so here we are
still finding class

chorus
with every step we climb the stupid tangga
with every step its harder to breathe
we're floating everywhere
kena kick everywhere
**because we have no class
the stupid new block doesnt have the CF
the furniture getting eaten up
come in class get thrown out
its like a roundabout
because we have no class

our jadual so nonsense
our bag so heavy
the morning assembly peluh already
enter the class see Pn. Anita
teaching us AP,GP
formular confusing, my head meletup
DY and DX dunno what anymore
after add math, mathematic
finding class is so hectic

repeat bridge & chorus

you can go higher
you can go lower
just use the tangga
you can go wherever
go to the 3rd floor
or to the ground floor
you can walk...

repeat bridge &chorus

oh gosh where is our next class
where is our next class????

repeat chorus till **
repeat** 3X


written by:
Michelle
Samantha
Darwin

~2010~
~5S3~

why?

right now i'm back to drowning in sorrows.. people around me are not who i thought they were anymore.. and its killing me.. they dont understand me.. they dont care.. only one right now does.. and everythin is so messed up.. everything is hurting... i cant even tell myself its gonna be allright.. coz i dont know anymore.. tears are falling and they cant stop.. and it hurts so bad.. till i dont know what i'm doing anymore.. i  just want my life back.. the part where u were there.. and it was all beautiful. you hurt me to the max but i still love you.. u say things that hurts to my bones but i still love you.. thats how much i love you and more.. more than u can ever imagine..  i wake up everyday and  you are the first thing that comes to mind.. and i smile.. but when i realise the heartache and i have is tears in my eyes.. day after day.. i cried and begged god for u to come back.. give me back that person

inspiration

i seem to have alot to write about these days.. there are alot of inspiration.. people i hate, people i'm mad with.. people i love.. and people i found.. a very good friend of mine, marsha has taught me alot these recent days that has drawn us closer to each other.. she taught me to be stronger in times that i was not just broken but shattered in millions of pieces.. letting go of someone you trully love with all your heart is NOT easy. just when that person is not in my head, something or someone reminds me..

i wish there was a button or a guiding book to life.. HOW NOT TO GET HURT FOR DUMMIES.. but we all need to embrace destiny and faith and MOVE ON no matter how hard it is..

noticed my recent stuff are SAD T.T.. so lets do happy now!!!

first off, my amazing friend marsha, together with her bf and i and looking for one more person are starting a band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!  we are called DESTINY EMBRACED..lol.. we havent really decided on what song to start off with.. maybe our own composing.. hehe.. so soon we;ll have videos posted!!! lol..

reality check!!!

we sit around wondering if what we do is right or wrong, good or bad... but we never really find out.. why??? coz we;re not looking we;re just seeing.. life is WILL constantly pull you down..why?? its to teach you.. to be wiser to be stronger... someone told me that ppl can endure more than we can imagine.. we just have to learn.. there are ppl around us who loves us for who we are.. LOOK not SEE.. search with a passionate soul and you'll find.. loosing someone isnt what anyone wants.. but take it in a positive way.. though it may be hard and painful.. though that path you choose is filled with agony.. take it as a challenge to make you stronger, wiser.. if you can conqure that then you will not FEAR anything coz you are STRONG.. learn to trust.. feeling vunerable is normal.. but at some point you have to move on.. its for the better.. leave those you have hurt you in the past.. start fresh in your life.

boredom!!!!!!

decided i've gotta be happy and love myself for a moment.. hurting yourself and torturing is NOT the way to go it only kills... so for this time being.. my smile and positive happy thoughts are helping me...

those times when ppl bring you down.. stand up tall and know that you can be strong.. lift you r spirt again.. coz its not gonna end.. believe in what u should.. and ignore the comments, thought of other of you.. they are trying to pull u down coz they know they cant do shit to you.. so dont ever let mere words hold down from being who you actually are.. everyone is unique in their own way.. love life and live it to the maximum of your ability.. love yourself too once in a while.. 

the pain inside

i sit everyday, well these days.. wondering if i made a mistake.. or if i'm right.. wondering doesnt help at all.. so i seek answers.. then i learnt that people arent really who you think they are.. friends whom you think will stick by your side help you, did not.. so i had new friends that actually help and became besties.. if your heart is not at a calm state.. let it out.. keeping it n will never solve anything.. if its meant to be then it is.. if its not then.. something better is on its way.. be patient.. these are the words i hated at one point of my life.. i felt as if they are just words.. but iif you really put a thought to it.. its real and true.. waiting isnt really ideal.. but waiting and knowing what to do is way better and just sitting around blindly.. seek answers from the people who truly loves and understands.. at one point of life you have to give up the one you truly want and love for something else.. as someone close to once before always said: ENDURE!! loose one to get one.. so think of it as... you're loosing something for a better one.. it applies to almost anything.. if you feel like crying, cry your heart out.. but.. think of yourself too..  one lifetime is all you have.. make the most of it.. 

smile though your heart is aching.. it'll pass
everyone goes through it.. you;re never alone.. 

the new

my first blog, pheww!! never thought i would actually do it.. but yet here i am..

i am a lil crazy sometimes ppl say i am.. but at the same time. shy.

i get alot of ppl call me intimidating for some reason which i cant figure out till now.

the real reason i thought of creating a blog was an inspiration by one of my bestie, marsha..

i love food. i love talking about them, tasting making new recipies. and i alos have passion for music.. i now can play piano, organ and currently self teaching guitar. i'm very curious about things.

most of the times they are complicating thats why its all up in my head..

enough abt that.. running out of words to say abt it..

well, things between 2008 and 2010 taught me alot of things. it made somewhat stronger. wiser. as they say., what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger. well i really dont have much words now. but here's a poetry about someone i lost recently.. but not to death.. just in ife.. i do write stuff alot.. most of which are poetry.. composed songs.. just nvr had the guts to record them.. who know someday i'll change oh so drastically and post them.. wait and see.. lol

i sit alone in my room
and tears slowly falls from my face
thinking bout all the moments we had
memories floods my head
images drown in my eyes
as sorrow pulls me in its chamber
i surrender

i made a promise to live with you forever
i was so sure it's you that will i give my all
till i'm dead and gone
even if death steals me away from you
with God's permission i'll continue loving you

19th october 2008 was the day my life began
a new breath of real and absolute life was given
for we were offically together
for there was no more sorrows i thought
because you were the angel heaven sent from above
to make my life happy
16th january 2009
was the day so beautiful nothing could compare
it was filled with uncomparing love,undescribale feellings

16th january 2009 was when i was sure
very sure, that you are my forever
as you held me close
and whispered softly to my ear
i love you, i'll never leave you
a promise, seal with a kiss so sure
that anyone would believe

the memories kept building good or bad
we got through it all
with the armor of our love protecting us
we got pass it all with victory
endure was your favorite word
and it always kept me strong

21st january 2010
was when my life ended
filled with undescribable sorrow
tears flowed out like a storm
that wouldnt stop
but i was still breathing
i couldnt understand why
why it all happen
reasons given were unacceptable
you left, broke your promise
and broke me even more with your cruel and heartless words
more broken at the sight of you
with a girl, i could say nothing about
there is nothing else that can mend
the pieces of my shattered heart again
only you hold the cure
for your love is the essence of my life
mixed emotion filled this fragile body
hands shiver and legs were weak
the thought of you gone forever
rage, sadness dwelled in my heart


if only i could speak to you,
a chance i would die for with no doubt
these i would say;

i'm sorry for the tears i've caused time and time again
heard this words many times before
but this times its different coz i mean it more than ever
i'll wait for you
even if it takes forever
i cant compare you to anyone
i just cant